In February, we took our first vacation in several years and went to Anna Maria Island, Florida. It was great, except for the part about being on vacation in Anna Maria Island, Florida.
Apparently, we picked the one week of the year when it’s as cold in Florida as it is in Central Ohio. It was miserable. After a couple of days, we decided to take a walk on the beach because Melissa was sick of being cooped up in a tiny bungalow with me. I mean, because we thought it would be romantic. I thought we had walked out onto the Arctic Ocean. Not only was it freezing, but the wind was blowing so hard the sand hitting our legs felt like we were being attacked by killer bees. It was so miserable, in fact, that Melissa decided being cooped up with me wasn’t such a bad thing . . . so long as she had plenty of alcohol.
I got Melissa a power-washer for Mother’s Day. Let that sink in, boys. You know you’ve got a good woman when she’s happy with power tools for Mother’s Day. She was so excited to try it out, she actually asked if I would mind if she power-washed the deck. I said, “It’s your special day, sweetheart, power-wash to your heart’s content.”
Melissa also wanted a garden. I pointed out that having a garden might not be a good idea because we live in the woods. I began a recitation on photosynthesis, and the necessity of sunlight to . . . Well, never mind, we have a garden.
She Who Must Be Obeyed wanted a raised bed garden. I purchased treated, two-by-tens and built three, ten-foot-by-four-foot raised bed gardens in the back yard – exactly where she told me to build them. After they were built and put into place – exactly where she told me to build them – Melissa decided that a) they spoiled the view from the kitchen window, and b) there wasn’t enough sunlight in the woods where I built the beds.
“Not enough sunlight, you say?” I asked.
She ignored my sarcasm and decided that the garden was better suited for the side yard, about 100 yards southwest of the original construction site. She harnessed me up and I lifted the back of these monsters on a wheelbarrow for her, then lifted the front and carried them to the side yard. These were, what’s the word I’m looking for, oh yes, HEAVY. Such exertion can aggravate an affliction called sciatica, which feels like someone is poking your rear with a cattle prod, keeps you awake at night, and makes you whimper like a little girl. But, hey, we had fresh tomatoes.
And, just to show you that God has a sense of humor, a weekafter the raised beds were filled with dirt, vegetables planted, and a cute fence placed around the garden, a giant maple tree fell out of the woods and crushed the fence and the string beanarbor. I spent several more days cutting up the tree, repairing the fence, and . . . well, you know the drill.
Speaking of falling trees, the nine-footer I put up in the living room fell over the first night it was up. It sounded like a giant redwood crashing through the house. It was fatal for several ornaments.
I’m wishing all my readers the best for the holidays and a happy, healthy and prosperous 2022.